I Write Therefore I Am

Life is a funny thing. No, not funny in the "Why'd the chicken cross the road?" (and there will be no debate on the validity of that claim to humor) sort, but funny in the way that things either work out or they don't. . .

For the record. . . I am almost 32 years-old, single, decent looking, funny, good head-on-my-shoulders big-hearted (and they really need to reconsider the "n" and "b" keys placement on the keyboard, because big hearted almost turned into something completely different), and overweight guy. . .

Sounds pretty great (well mostly) so far, right? (Come on now, guys, it was a rhetorical question. . .)

Over the last few years of my life, I have been rather unsuccessful with the ladies. . . Maybe it's because I call them "the ladies", but that's neither here nor there (and I should point out that it's much better than "the bitches", although occasionally that is a more apt description). After wafting through all those qualities that I have above one might be tempted, at least one who does not know me, to question as to why that is (as I have been known to do sometimes). . .

Well. . . The answer is simple. . . I'm crazy, at least int he modern relationship (or historical relationship) manner. . . I have a tendency to get excited about a new possible relationship extremely quickly. . . I don't like to hide my feelings once that I realize that I could possibly have them. I easily misconstrue the simplest niceties of friendship for those of flirtatious interest. All of these elevated senses cause my reactions to become less rational in how I go about dealing with the matter at hand. I am no longer cool and collected. . . I become. . . Dum-Dum-Dum. . . Mega-lame. . . I react without thinking and say things that I can easily regret. . . I become desperate and needy and I don't even really understand how I started on that path. . . In my desire to bring someone as close to me as possible, I end up doing everything possible to drive them as far away as they can get. . .

It is not my intention to do so. . . Hope makes me do stupid things, but it's not something that I can survive without. All these years I have simply hoped to find someone that I can share who I am with, who takes me for the good parts of my life and accepts the fact that I do have some minor neuroses to get past. . .

I don't play games. I speak my mind. I act with passion and intent. I commit and apply every ounce of my heart to the people in my life.

I am not writing this as an apology for who I am and the way I choose to live, and to be completely honest, I'm not sure why I am writing it, or, if you've made it this far, why you're reading it. I do not write this to define me. . . I write this because I am so defined.

I've spent the better part of 13 years wondering why and where and when, but hope doesn't have a time limit, love doesn't have a "Sell-by" date, and if all expectations were met, we'd never have anything to live for. . .

Right now, I live for you, my mystery. . .

Hopefully, one day, someone will want to solve that with me. . .

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” -Oscar Wilde. .

A couple of older scribblings

Defined (2/5/2008)

When you walked out on me today
You took away my hope and my heart
Left me with nothing but empty memories
I promised you my every tomorrow
You turned everything I said into dust
Poisoned words lying in shallow graves
Merely faithless letters of forgotten dreams
I can no longer see my own reflection
I'd built it out of every day I had spent with you
Now it has all but burned away
By the boiling tears that scar my sight
Frightened and anxious moments
The scavengers of who I was
Every day after today has no more meaning
I will always be defined by yesterday with you.

Sand and Wind (2/17/2007)

Lost amongst the desert of tears
Scattering in the wind
All my tears have turned to dust
My life is dry
My heart is sand
I fail just in time to fail yet again
You pass me by as if I'm a mirage
Merely a reflection of a person
In a mirror in which no one gazes
An identity, that no one notices
A ghost, a phantom to her
I lose her everytime I try to find her
I am lost inside my own eyes
Trapped underneath my thoughts of her
Gasping for air, grasping for hope
But all there is is sand in the desert
Sand and wind
And the wind just blows my heart away
Wind. . . Me. . . Her. . . Nothing

Untitled

I remember who you are...
You are strong, when I cannot rise up off my knees
You are bridge, when it seems things are too far away to reach
You are heart, when all my will has disappeared
You are courage, when all I want to do is hide my face
You are calm, when turmoil and chaos surround me
You are faith, when it seems nothing will ever turn out right
You are hope, when I glance into your eyes
You are breath, when it seems I've no more air around me
You are sight, when I stumble blindly from day to day
You are voice, whenever words can't describe it
You are love, and I am lost without you.

Japanese

Fear grips my every breath
Spine tingles with nervous delight
Heart beats off rhythm
Knees wage war on gravity
Eyes searching wildly for serenity
Brain confusing words for gibberish
You crash upon me like a wave
I look up and try to steal your gaze
Confidently I lean in to speak
Thinking to myself this could be the one
I tap you on the shoulder and say
"My hi Tame is Nim."
You laugh. I retreat.
Confidence is overrated when your brain can't remember English.
Mine apparently only speaks Japanese in important situations.

Remember When We Were Friends. . .

Let me set the scene. . .

The year was 2008. The place was Sharky's. The night was every Thursday. Do you remember those days? I do, and I miss them. Not necessarily so much the time and place, but that I got to hang out with people who I considered a positive force in my life: you. Not the singular you, but you, the group, as a whole.

I understand that life situations and relationships adapt and change in a strange sort of life ebb and flow, and that time becomes more precious as we age and find special people to fulfill our lives. It is only natural to want to spend as much time as possible with those that we hold most dear to us, and for me those people are you.

Maybe a lot of the problem has been my fault. I'm kind of a big kid, I talk too loudly and too often, and I know that I can be annoying as all get out, but I love you guys and it is really hard for me to get through the weeks with nothing to look forward to. A lot of you have each other to go home to, which I love and think is absolutely amazing. I don't have that. You guys are my outlet and my escape. I miss you all.

Please remember that we were friends. . .

This Is Just A Test Of The Emergency Speechy Speech System.

Ok. . . Giving this ish a try. Please excuse my frequent use of the literary "ellipsis" as it has become a habit.

First off, I'd like to welcome all of you (read no one) out there who decided to peruse my initial foray into blogging! One might ask "What in the hell would make you think that anyone cares what you have to say?" and they might have a valid point. . . My retort? I will not shy away from anything. I am filled with opinions and will openly express them when I feel it necessary, and I welcome your opinions on my opinions (even if they are made entirely up from dangling participles (no reason to include that, I've just been looking for a place to use "dangling participle" in an other than sexual nature)).

What might I talk about? (AGAIN with the questions? You're so demanding today!) Subjects will include sports (most often referring to the state of the Dallas area teams: GO STARS, MAVS, COWBOYS, and RANGERS!!), religion, politics, sex, emotion, TV, movies, music, photography, work, or basically whatever pops into my head that sends an electrical impulse to my brain causing my fingers to hack away at my poor keyboard (I type with PURPOSE, dammit!).

Feel free to follow me on Twitter @MTWilx for brief opinions.

I have not decided if this will be updated daily or not yet, but I can imagine that some days will include multiple entries. I will do my best to respond to any and all comments (I do have moderation on, but will most likely approve all comments unless they include threats or violence toward myself or other posters).

Let's see how this goes! It could be the ultimate in FAIL! I'm setting my sites for BEYAWESOME!